(These lyrics were written by weaving together rhymes submitted by listeners. To see who wrote what, scroll down to the bottom of the page)

This here’s the story about a high school clique
It happened long ago and the charges didn’t stick
Out on the playground kids can be severe
This particular incident involves a wounded rear

A cat named Arafat kicked George Bush in the tush
And he screamed out “Goddamn you Sadam”
Though it was Arafat who kicked him in the bottom

So sizzle with bacon
You know what I’m makin’
A song of retreat
Cause that’s what we eat

This is a land
Where a man is a man
A gland is a gland
And a fan is a fan

Elsewhere in the same town there was a terrible stink
The police were looking for the culprit but their informants wouldn’t fink
Not the type of cops to let something like this fester
They pinned the whole thing on thrice convicted molester
They found him in his apartment listening to Sade
He was sitting in his underwear and wearing a black barrett
Doing things unspeakable with a bowl of Guacamole
So the cops used their batons on his head like Whack-a-mole

While laying spackle on the tabernacle
Pauly Shore-a broke the menorah
Condoleeza Rice was picking lice
Themistockles was eatin’ cheese

And did I mention the legend of Rexy?
She had six arms but she was oh so sexy
Late at night you could hear her playing the Zither
Thirty fingers stumming notes that beckoned men “come hither”

Now I don’t mean to be so dogmatic
But I’m dusting off these memories that have been sittin in the attic
They come rolling in like the waves on the ocean
So clear and bright I need to use suntan lotion

So sizzle with bacon
You know what I’m makin’
A song of retreat
Cause that’s what we eat

This is a land
Where a man is a man
A gland is a gland
And a fan is a fan
And society is slipping
so far in the sand

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Adam Hervey - "stick" & "clique"
Kim Levine - "dogmatic" & "In the attic"
Will Thomas - "Cat/Arafat" "Bush/Tush" "gotdam/sadam"
Scott McCombs - "Sade [as in the soul singer]" & "Black Barret"
John Stancik - "Stink" & "fink"
Krista Stancik - "Fester" & "molester"
Adam Garcia - "rear" & "severe"
Peter DeRousse "Pauly Shore-a ... [broke my] minora"; "[layi'n] spackle ... [on the] tabernacle"
"[eatn'] cheeze ... [with my friend[ Themistokles"; "Condoleezza Rice ... [picki'n boogers n'] lice"
Fiske Smith - (wrote what became the chorus for the song)
Laura Doherty - "zither" &"come hither"
Jesse Reklaw - "guacamole" & "whack-a-mole"
Jim MacInnis - "Sexy" & "Rexy"
Khrystyne Henderson - "ocean" & "lotion"